Trapped in my own head.

Long time, no see.

2009-12-22T05:54:38Z

It's been a while since I was last on LJ. I doubt anyone really reads this journal anymore. I am forcing myself to write due to my inability to rid myself of my own craziness. I actually WANT people to read this. I think it's because I'm a bit of an attention whore at heart. I wasn't like that originally. Wonder what made me change?

Guess I might as well catch up, seeing as my last post (According to LiveJournal) was 90 weeks ago.

I'm now married, with my first child on the way (Michelle, my wife is at 34 weeks pregnant). I have a shit job, selling T-Mobile phones for a company that would murder their own parents if it meant a better profit margin.

Haven't gone back to school, although I really want to. I miss school. I miss the learning, the time to think, and most of all the really cool things I talked about with my classmates. Yeah, there were plenty of bad things about school, but on the whole, it was a good thing.

I'm really scared out of my mind. My first kid! What the hell am I going to do? How the hell am I ready to be a father? I'm pretty poor as a husband to be honest, just stumbling my way through the dark. I really want to post my deepest, darkest secrets on here, but I don't know if Michelle will read them on here. My mind thinks up some incredibly horrible ideas.

How is life so complicated anyways? It should be a simple A-to-B type experience, but it's far from that. I want to be successful. I'm not. I want to have a happy relationship with my wife. It's not as close as I would prefer. I want to be ready to be a father. I'm not.

If I were in my ideal place in life, (Which I don't think anyone knows what that is really, but this is my interpretation of it.) I would have a decently paying networking job. Pulling down at least $40,000 a year. Maybe more? I could live off of $30,000 for sure though. My father did, and he had two kids and a metric crapton of problems to pay for. I never knew them though. Maybe guessed or gleaned from their talking and attitudes, but never really knew.

In that 'ideal' place, I would be fully ready for this child. Whose name is Elijah Gabriel if anyone wants to know. But I'm not. I'm so scared out of my mind, I want Michelle to just ... never give birth I guess? I know there's really no way to postpone the inevitable. I'm just so afraid of what I'll do. I haven't been this afraid in a long time.

I fear I'm sinking back into my depression again.

Please God, don't let me sink back to that. I'd do anything to not go back to what I was. I know I've changed in many ways that I didn't want to. But that is one thing I would prefer to keep.

If Michelle was reading this. Jesus. I can't imagine. She's throw a fit over me. She knows how bad my depression was. I wasn't suicidal (Thank God), but that was only because I how I am.

I just know it's not an easy way out. If I knew that it was, I wouldn't be here to tell anyone this.

//

I am still thinking to myself "What is the point in writing this if no one reads it? If no one takes pity on you, why bother? It doesn't accomplish anything."

Why do I think things like that? Why do so many people think things that are so inwardly-negative? It doesn't make any sense (When did anything for that matter?).

I imagine that I think things should be easier. I know they're not going to bed. Ever. Things that aren't hard, and you don't work hard for, aren't worth having. I know this. If this is the case though, why do I shirk away from difficult tasks? Or tasks that are just chores in reality?

I have a major issue with doing menial chores around our house. I really do. It drives Michelle up a wall. I can't explain it, and I'm not going to make excuses. This isn't some half-assed way of trying to make myself a martyr or be a pity-monger. I just am admitting my faults, and the fact/issue that I have difficulty with them.

Want to hear something really disturbing? On the inside, at least partially, I want to be depressed.

I'm not sure why.

Regardless of that, I'm going to wrap this up and go play some Left 4 Dead 2. I feel like it'd help. Murdering zombies and whatnot.

If anyone reads this, I apologize for not cutting it. I forget how. As I mentioned, I highly doubt anyone reads this anymore.

Surreal

2008-03-31T04:44:44Z

What I wouldn't give to have that time at the beach. I was 12, and there was a hurricane out over the coast. The waves were huge. They were washing over me. And it felt as if my mind was in fast forward. This was before I knew anyone reading this. Before I knew Michelle. Before I knew I had a kid. Before I was who I am today. This was me. The real me. Before I became who I am today.

Sometimes I think I've changed too much. Sometimes I think too little.

I wonder if anyone at work really likes me. I think that most of them would rather be rid of me. I think that it'd be better that I'd be my old self. Introverted. Shy. Not talking.

I worry that I am still an asshole in person. That I belittle people. That I make them feel small. That I overshadow alot of others. I don't mean to. It's just that when I get to talking and my adrenaline is pumping, that I keep going. I don't shut up. I wish I did. I wish I could just tell myself to shut the fuck up.

And what's funny is that is the least of my problems.

I'm going to stop now because in the midst of typing alot of this I forgot alot of the other stuff. I wish I had a journal that could type as fast as I think...

Nooooooooooooo

2008-02-12T05:20:10Z

They're using a different actor for Punisher 2. Fuck! Just found out...

No relevant title...

2008-01-27T05:51:09Z

I don't really have one, I want to put plenty of information in this post. Some ranting, some stupidity, some game-related, others miscellaneous or somesuch.

First off, I hate my tendency to over-think situations. I do it all the time and I wish I could stop. I just got off the phone with Michelle, and it was ... not entirely pleasant. Not for her, just for my inability to do anything and then she asks to have some alone time. This is where this subject kicks in. I can't help but thinking a million things on why she asked for that. I'm happy to give it to her (Not so happy, but that's because of what I am thinking), but I keep asking questions that won't ever have answers until I talk to her again I am saying several things, asking if it is just a normal case of being upset and she just needs some time alone to think. What if it's her trying to think whether we're good for one another? No, that couldn't be it, we've been through so much! She wouldn't break up out of the blue, right? But what if she thinks it is best for both of us? For her? For me? What if she is thinking of pushing our wedding back? How far? Maybe canceling it? But she loves it, why would she cancel it?

... As you can see, I talk to myself. Call me crazy, I don't care. But I beat myself up trying to decipher things that I won't ever be able to. And I can't come out and ask her either, because of the kind of person she is. And one of the many reasons I love her, so I wouldn't ever change it. I just wish I could change myself so that I could pick up on tiny things that she gives out and shows to me to clue me in. But I never pick up on them, and I hate that. I hate a lot of things for that matter, but it doesn't help to hate it at all.

I just need to accept the fact that we're two different people and what works for me does not work for her. For me, if something is happening that I hate but I can't change, I push it to the back of my mind so that it doesn't kill me. For her, she can't do that, and it murders me that I can't affect that or change it for her to feel better. And the only time I can it seems is when I am right there, next to her so I can offer support and help her when I can the best.

- What's worse is I use games to escape the inevitable fact that I can't change it, nor can I for quite some time. Which I fear makes her even more upset. Problem is, I don't show my worries or emotions in that department on my sleeve like she does. I know when something is wrong with her, I just can't know what it is right off the bat, although I wish I could. And what is horrible is the games don't even hide it for any period of time. It's only during the time I am actually playing the game(s), that I can actually forget what upsets me. Otherwise I immediately remember it and I become upset or angry at the situation once more. It's just that I've grown to shove worries and upsetting matters to the back of my mind so that they don't upset me. In retrospect, it's a bad idea because it hides the problem, it doesn't fix it.

*sigh* After all, I don't think I'll be posting about anything else. I just want to understand what I've talked about and resolve my issues...

Bored, mostly

2008-01-09T06:32:35Z

Well nothing really obvious to update.

Still apart from Michelle, which sucks. Just wish we could be together instead of all this apart crap. It bugs me and upsets me constantly. It hits me more sometimes more than others. And other times I don't notice it, but those times are rare...

Been addicted to Team Fortress 2 like everyone else is to water. It's an amazing game overall, and I fell for it immediately, although I had my doubts. They altered ALOT of stuff from TFC, and it pissed me off when I heard about it. Like taking out the class grenades. I always thought "What the FUCK were they thinking?," but after playing the game they gave everyone abilities or other things to compensate.

If you want to read up on it: tf2wiki.net is the place to go. Good stuff there. ^_^

Outside of that, just applying to jobs in O'Fallon and the surrounding areas as per a website that Michelle's mom gave me. They all seem outta reach though, which scares me. The reasoning is simple, but not is the solution. But I'll keep on trying. I'm determined come hell or high water, I'm going to be with her as soon as possible. If that's 6 months from now, so be it, if it's tomorrow, all the better...

So there is alot to catch up on...

2007-12-21T08:49:53Z

And that's the hard truth. I haven't posted here in months. Sometimes I'd start and stop for numerous reasons and never post it.

Me, being all logical and whatnot, I'll list them off in a ... list. And excuse me if I repeat things that everyone already knew...

First off the list...

Michelle and I are moving to St. Louis.

Or somewhere in the area at least. SunRocket went under, and we retreated to our respective parent's houses for the moment. We're going to try St. Louis this time around. Going to try and get an I.T. job somewhere up there for a decent flow of money. At least, that's the plan as it stands right now.

Got a new job at TeleTech. Which is the same fucking building as SunRocket. Irony?
It's not a bad job (so far). It's basically that I'm troubleshooting HP (Hewlett Packard) notebooks. It's got it's ups and downs, as does every job.

Made some new friends and also some friends whom I'm still to this day (Even though I made 'friends' with them at the beginning of the job, which is 3 months back) trying to figure out. I'll talk about them later. Ironically, playing with them on Guild Wars right now.

Getting paid $12.00/hour which is definitely good money for Springfield. So I'm living (with my parents) decently. Although I am with them, I'm trying to get everything from that fuck-up-of-a-job SunRocket out of my past.

I had a wake-up call about me and how I act around others.
I was talking to Fiona (One of the new friends) and she went really cold with me, right after we were really good friends. And it drove me nuts. I hounded her about why she was acting so coldly towards me. It went on for ages, with her saying stupid shit like "If you don't know why, I can't help you." Which pissed me off, but after a long time, she finally came out and said it after I confronted her at work.

Apparently I take this attitude of Alpha Male or whatnot and I have to be right. Now I know this to be true alot of the time. I'm attempting to change it as I speak, and it's tearing me up (or did previously, now I'm more or less over the shock) because of what I was.

I also had a conversation with a really cool person named Russel. He's right around 35. 37 if memory serves, but he acts alot younger. Not immature, just younger. He's a pretty cool kinda guy to hang around with and we got to talking about me and how I acted as I brought this subject up and he verified all of it.

Apparently I was the dreaded agent to get in Tier 2 SunRocket. This really caught me by surprise. I just made people feel stupid, and ignorant and whatnot when they got me when calling to Tier 2 there. Which I never meant to happen, but my actions and habits did so.

There were alot of pieces of evidence against me in this issue. And when I got home I started to cry. Knowing it all to be true, I want to change. Sometimes I catch myself doing something like this and I try to apologize and shape up. Other times, I notice it in my past and I beat myself up over not trying to change it previously. Even though I didn't notice it in the first place.

So I have made it a bit of a resolution to change myself for the better in this area.

Also, note to my friends on the intarweb. You don't ever see this side of me. Why, you ask? Because I have to think about what I say prior to sending it to you generally. In real life, it's more habit, and instinct and what I've taught myself to act and say. And that apparently pushes people away. People like Fiona... Which is my next subject.

My 'friends', or as I like to call them the 3 wheels who unfortunately have me as a 4th one.

These friends consist of Fiona, Will, and his wife, whom I don't know too well.

Basically, after Fiona got cold with me. She got all chummy with this guy in the class named Will. I was jealous, mainly because I haven't had a good friend in ... almost a decade. Since Colter, whom I knew and was friends with in Georgia. And Fiona and I talked about alot of close, personal stuff. And it made me happy to have someone as a friend who I could do that to. I have Michelle to do as well, but sometimes friends and fiancee's are different sides of the board.

After this, she became cold to me and you know that story. I kept saying to her if she didn't want me around. And the real reason was the one I listed above, but I didn't know this at the time.

Now whenever I talk to them, I feel like the proverbial 5th wheel. They have inside jokes (Which they used one on me today and wouldn't tell me. They wouldn't even do it later saying it was an 'inside joke.' NO SHIT SHERLOCK. THAT'S WHY I WANTED TO KNOW!!!) and I never know them. They joke and laugh with one another, without me. And at work, Will and Fiona talk all the time and I'm always the guy who is waved at but not talked to. And it pisses me off. I'm getting to the point where I'm gonna bring it up to them, or at least Will and Fiona. Separately or not. And if they give me the same bullshit, run-around, crap that they always do: "No, you're wrong. It's not like that. It's just [INSERT BULLSHIT REASON #XXX HERE]" then I'm blowing them off, quitting his fucking Guild, and leaving GW for the moment. I don't care if I sit next to Will (more or less) at work. He can fuck-off. I don't like being left in the dark, ignored, or placed in the position I am in now. It bugs the fuck out of me.

New friends however, are good.
I have made other friends as well. Jerrod for one. I need to call him and to something. He seems pretty cool. At first he put me off at his ability to seem a little to eager to make friends and want to be accepted. But he's alright in my book. I told him, Mike (Another person who is semi-friends.) and Fiona that I've never done anything other than straight-laced events in my life. They offered me to 'fire me up' one time in the future. I gave them my phone number, not really expecting anything, much less that. Maybe a movie or something, dunno. They never called. I don't know though, he still seems alright in my book. Gonna call him up sometime after Christmas and see if he wants to do something I guess.

Shane is also another pretty cool person. Got a bit of a fucked-up love life though. He seems kinda melancholy though almost all the time so I guess he's so-so with me. We play Hackey Sack almost every day (except on days when it's 'fuck-me-hard' cold)

Happy Birthday ... me

My birthday was nothing special. I didn't set anything up for it. My parents got me some stuff, as did Michelle. Outside of that, no one really did anything other than a surprised 'Happy Birthday!.' I was gonna get drunk or at least drink over at Fiona's or something like that. It wasn't going to be a celebration for me, but at least I could drink. That fell through. Another bullshit reason.

But, at least I'm 21, right? Meh.

Found a new band: Dragonforce
They're amazing. Check them out if you can. They're a mix of alot of stuff. What's really cool is alot of their music is really, really, really fast paced metal music. Which is my favorite music of all.

--------------------------

So that sums it up mostly. I'll try to post more, though no promises. =)

And off to Guild Wars ... by myself. I hate these fucking losers sometimes. Some don't even say good night. Inside jokes. I'm getting to the end of dealing with these fuckers.

Don't Panic

2007-07-18T06:45:28Z

1) What does next year have in store for me? M-80 Explosive Energy Movement) : Papa Roach

2) What does your love life look like? No Sleep Til Brooklyn : Beastie Boys

3)What do I say when life gets hard? Never Said It : Papa Roach

4)What song will I dance to at the next wedding I attend? Because Of You: Kelly Clarkson

5) What do you want as a career? Black Clouds : Papa Roach

6) Your favorite saying? Some Will Seek Forgiveness: Underoath

7) What do you think of your parents? Sometimes : Papa Roach

8) Where would you go on a first date? Immortal Enemies : Hatebreed

9) Drug of choice? The Interview : AFI

10) Describe yourself. Diggin' Your Scene : Smash Mouth

11) What is the thing I like doing most? Lost In Aurora : The Appearance

12) The song that best describes the president? Desperate Times : Killswitch Engage

13) How will I die? Black Bullet : Kidney Thieves

14) The song that will be played at your funeral? Destroy What You Enjoy: Powerman 5000

15) The song you'll put as the subject? Don't Panic : Coldplay

Most likely I'll edit this later on with an actual entry.

Always the acquaintance, never the friend.

2007-06-24T04:24:55Z

This is more of a rant than a crying fest now. For multiple reasons. I was going to come on and be depressed for a majority of the night, but then I started to play Fear Factory and it made me, well not happy, but not sad either.

Anyways, I noticed today that throughout my life (Excluding the internet friend's I've made) that I am always considered a associate or sorts by so many people, and not a friend in the respect that everyone around me goes to parties, plays games together, and all sorts of things. Even doing drugs.

I just keep noticing that I've never once been invited to any of these things. Not once. And when I do go (Which is horribly rare, to say the least) I am always pushing my way into such things. I never get invited to anything.

It's like I have an aura of "Fuck with me and die" or something. No one wants to be my friend it seems. I am just stating this now, and not really bitching. At the moment, angry music plays. So it takes my mind off of shit like this.

A great example of this is yesterday, in Tier 2, we were all around, talking about stuff and somehow we got onto the topic of drugs. They asked me point blank, had I ever taken any and what did I take. I was honest and said I had never taken any drugs, not even weed.

I said that in reality, I probably would try at least pot, not sure, but I had never, ever had the chance in my entire life. I was never offered any, never had the chance to buy some, or anything of the sort.

They said this was about one of the most strangest and amazing things they had ever seen. Gabe looked at Glenn (An asshole) as if to say "Give him some or offer" and of course, Glenn, being the fucktard he is, gave a look and said something like "Don't look at me."

It's that shit I've come across my entire life. It's ridiculous. It's like I have a sign across my face that says "I don't play well with others."

And it's upsetting. I just wish once, someone, somewhere would just say "Hey, wanna come over and watch a movie/play games/etc?"

Sometimes I hate being me.

God, why am I such an asshole?

2007-06-21T06:23:22Z

Well, it's been quite a while since I got on to either rant, or depress myself further. About damn time for me to do both, aye?

*sigh*

Right now, I feel like such a shitbag and horrible fiancee. In so many aspects.

It's going to take a while for me to recap everything and why I feel this way, so I'll LJ-Cut from here on out.

Well first of all, there's the respect that Michelle really wants a kid. I do too. Which befuddles me. I mean, ME, and a kid? What the hell? Seriously? But I keep ranting on and on about how we're not ready yet, money wise. Even though she knows every single reason why we "can't" have one. The reason I put it in quotes is because we could if we wanted one. I know I love her and vice versa, just I don't know. I guess I'm afraid I'll fail? That I'll give the kid a poor, penniless life? That I'll fail.

I'm trying so hard right now not to cry, because if I do, Michelle will see. And I don't want her pity. I just want to be there for her. I want to be the man of her dreams. And I think I'm failing her.

Another reason, everything has gone to shit with her family. And what did I do? Oh, yeah. Tear her away from her family and pull her 300 miles away. So she can't do anything and feels helpless.

Her sister is found out to be pregnant, with an assholes baby.
Her mom is almost giving up a vacation to help plan our wedding.
And her grandfather is dying.

All this, when I tear her away. Yeah, I'm just great. I hate myself. I really do.

I went on, and on about why we couldn't have a kid now and it just got her more and more upset. And when she gets upset, so do I. Our happiness is linked. Always has been. I see that now.

I wish for so much for us, and I fear I'll never live up to that. I really think I'll try and fail trying. I'll fall flat on my face, and embarrass myself and throw my future family down to the pits because of it. It just stresses me out. I want so much to happen, and I can't make it happen.

There are so many things right now that I could rant about and I feel the need to rant, but I've turned to the fact that no one wants to hear my ramblings. Sure, go ahead and say that you want to. I know better. And so do you.

I really do wonder why she stays with me. There are so many more guys out there that would treat her well and give her what she deserves. A happy, stable, wonderful life with no hesitations about having a kid and having a happy, full family.

And, I just can't provide for that now. I want to. Really I do. I'd like nothing better than to have kids. Yes, kids. Plural. I want alot of them. I want a big family. But I fear I'll never be able to afford it all.

She continues to try and say that we won't need a load of money to be happy, but living with my family has taught me otherwise. Money can't buy you happiness, but it sure as fuck helps. And it really does.

And me ranting like this will only make Michelle more upset. I'm really considering making this entry not viewable by her, but I won't do that because I don't want to hide anything from her. Even though that statement in and of itself is hypocritical because I am not telling all of this to her right now.

Instead, I am sitting at a computer screen, sniffling and almost crying because I'm pathetic and I can't do what I want to do for a family that isn't even real yet. *sigh*

I just wish I could get a break. Would that be so hard to ask for? Honestly. Just one time, I wish I could get a really good job in a field that I'd excel at. An IT job. I wish I could make money, because if I could, I know that I'd have kids with Michelle very soon. But it feels so far away and it feels as if it will never come. And even if it does, I know I'll fall flat on my face and fail as a husband and a father. I put so much stress on my own shoulders and then I wonder why I cry, and whine, and bitch, and sit here upset about it all. Maybe because I put it on my own shoulders and then sit there while I feel like Atlas.

*sigh*

I just wish I could puke my thoughts up onto paper, then I could write how I feel. Otherwise I'll never get it all out...

I really do love Michelle. With all my heart, and I know the reverse is also true. But I really wonder why. I'm not great looking, or smart. I try my best to be smart, but fail alot of the time and look the fool. I forget ... so many things. I forget almost everything. I'm more absent minded than the character Robin Williams plays in Flubber. That's ridiculous. And I can't pick up on stuff and I hide stuff from her. I'm a devious, low-down, pathetic, absent minded fool that is in love and can't help but wonder why it's returned. I thank God and everything else for it though. I just wish I could keep her away from pain, and sorry, and heartbreak, and close to her family. And I fail at that. And I fear I always will.

And the reason I'm not with her right now is being near her right now hurts. Reminds me oh how big of a failure I am to her. How much I am failing her. It hurts...

So, yeah. I'll go ahead and start crying ... again, and hide myself behind this giant monitor so you can't see me Michelle...

Anything But This | Static - X

2007-04-18T03:14:56Z

Okay, so this has been awhile since I posted one of my infamous rants. I remember when I used to do this every other day almost. In general, I'm just really pissed right now and every little thing ticks me off.

First of all, today was "Right Now" day. Which means we were using a new ticketing system at work.

I don't know about you, but why the fuck would you want to fix something when it's not broke in the first place? Yeah, that was what I was thinking.

Our old ticketing system is perfectly fine. It has it's ups and downs, but overall, it's quite well and works perfectly for what it should do.

No, these IDIOTS at corporate say we gotta use this new version that is "stream-lined." Bullshit

It's laggy for one. Glitches run rampant. It's not that great for the customers either.

The response tab (The one that gives a response to the customer) lags. I.E. When you type, the computer has to catch up.

Plus a million other reasons why the thing is one of the most horrible programs I've ever laid eyes on. And this is including STEAM. If any of you know what that is, you know how HORRIBLE this program is then.

///

Then come to find out, I got passed up for Tier 2 promotion AGAIN.

Get this, the reason? Yeah, it's because Cremin (The Tier 2 Supervisor) wasn't impressed by my interview.

Oh, I'm so sorry you bastard. I didn't know how to answer retarded questions.

He asked a ton of questions, and some of them made no sense.

One was "How many of your tickets are voice lights?" which makes no sense. I believe he WANTED to ask "How many of your tickets end in voice lights?" which is to say how many tickets do I solve? That makes more sense than the first one.

One of his other questions I answered to the best of my ability as well. It was "What do you think is your greatest weakness?"

Now, seeing as Tier 1is graded on their AHT (Average Handle Time) I assumed it was the following weakness. Now my AHT is 8 minutes flat, and it is required to be 14. So I am easily beating that and I am one of the best agents on the floor.

My weakness, or so I thought, was "Sometimes I explain things in too much description and eat up time on some of my calls, thus increasing my AHT when it doesn't need to be."

He looked at me like I was blue, and asked "THAT'S your weakness?"

His reply took me off guard, not expecting this I stuttered for a few seconds, wondering what he really wanted me to answer with and I muttered out the reply "I assume another weakness is that I talk too fast at times."

I'm going to talk to him tomorrow to explain why I didn't do so hot on the interview but I have to do it carefully. I can't really go up to him and say something similar to "Oh, I didn't do so well on your interview because you're a FUCKING IDIOT."

Which would be true, but nonetheless. Corporate world is a kiss-my-ass-and-I-will-promote-you world. Sucks, but it is the truth.

////

Adding on to the already large rant I've got going here I am really fed up with life in general. All I want to do is to be able to be with Michelle, but it almost seems like every little thing wants the opposite and it's really pissing me off. I just wish I could beat the shit out of any obstacle between me and that goal. I know this isn't possible but I wish it were, I'd easily beat enough to make my knuckles crack and bleed. That's how pissed I am at life.

-Apartments are a pain and are pricey, so that's one major annoyance there.
-I've still got to tell my parents that I'm fucking engaged, and I know that when I do neither of them will be as supportive as I want them to be. They will be eventually, but they will bring up such topics as "You're not mature enough," or "You're too young." I really don't want to hear that shit.
-Michelle's dad also hates me. Well he doesn't really but he doesn't like me much for multiple reasons. And her mom has been somewhat cold to me. I wanted to talk to her via email and nothing really happened other than a few questions and blam it was over.
-I am getting increasingly pissed off at SunRocket, but I can't do anything to harm my job because that's the only promising thing that would get me and Michelle through to our new home somewhere in Springfield. Argh.
-I've got a ticket that I forgot about and I am sure that I can't make it to court. I need someone to tell me what to do here. I've no clue. Can I still pay? If so, how do I contact a specific county's police station without their number because the genius cop forgot to give it to me.
-My car is crapping out on me and I've no where the money to get it replaced. So I just hope I can swing a tune up this weekend and hope on the same issue that it will last till then because I've no time to get it fixed in the mean time.

And finally, just there are a million things in my head and I've never been good at multitasking, and I'm just freaking out. I'm worried about a million things and sick and fucking tired of being away from the woman I love. I know life is never fair, but this is bullshit. This is one thing that life should be fair and I'd love to take my fist to life's face to repay it's generosity.

News! Fresh off the whatever it comes off of.

2007-03-28T19:11:52Z

Well not a whole lot of information to leak out to you guys. Though I do have one piece of really big news. I will tell you guys at the end of this post.

Well the first piece of information is that as everyone (Mostly) knows, I work at SunRocket. And I do tech support here. Not a horrible job. And I get paid decently. So I can't complain.

Anyways, around 3 or 4 in the afternoon yesterday the servers that basically upkeep the phone calls that are in America for SunRocket went down. We had EASILY 60 calls in queue. I had answered at least 150 calls in under 4 hours. My buddy Josh did the same. It was insane. Only good thing that came out of it is we all got free Pizza. And good pizza at that. I was pretty tired by the end of the night.

Also, because my AHT (Average Handle Time) is so low now, I am eligible for winning $50 basically because I below 10 minutes. My AHT right now is around 8.5. Which is really good. I am beating Josh by today, but for the week he has beaten me. Not sure how he got to 7.5, but it's insane. He went from 9 minutes to 7 and a half.

And while I am at it, I will rant about idiots who cannot speak any English. I cannot fathom coming to another country, and not trying my best to learn their language. The only people that attempt to learn our language time and time again, or are very apologetic about it if they cannot speak it, are the Japanese. They are the most polite, humble people I have ever met and I love talking to them or working with them.

Granted, the younger ones are a MAJOR exception, because they fall into two categories:
Females - Sluts
Guys - Race too much, and act black.

Okay, so here is the part I am adding on. I had to move to a different computer. For the ump teenth millionth time. It really gets annoying. IT is trying to fix MY computer.

*sigh*

Anyways, now onto the BIG news. Because this does make me happy, very much so.

Anyways, as most people know (If you talk to me on a normal basis, or read this LJ) that I an Michelle have been dating roughly 5-6 months. Yet, we've known each other over 2 years. She's been my best friend, and my greatest ally in anything I've ever done. And now she's been my girlfriend for a great 5 to 6 months and counting. Sure, we've had our ups and downs, but I'd never trade it for anything. Which brings me to the realization of never trading it in.

Michelle and I were talking about Marriage. I said it'd be romantic to marry on our year anniversary of us dating. So basically, we are Engaged.

I personally love the idea all around. And granted, it may sound like we're moving fast, but in reality, for us (me and Michelle), we're moving at our own pace. And the rest of the world and take a flying intercourse through a cylindrical pastry. (Otherwise known as a flying fuck through a rolling doughnut) :)

I love her with every ounce of my being and wouldn't give anything to be with her for the rest of my life. So as we don't have rings, in essence, we are to be married. =)

So there ya go. :)

Hmm. Yesh. I shall update. rubs hands together deviously

2007-03-26T20:03:07Z

Well, quite alot to talk about really. Most of what I will write about will be side-by-side with what had been written in about in kitty_pryde86's journal. So check it out if you want to. :)

Well first thing is first, the most important. And not to overwhelm you. Because it sure as hell feels like it is with me. Only because alot of big things are flying around in my life right now, mostly revolving around my relationship with Michelle.

As (If you've read her LJ) Michelle and I have been talking for quite a while about our futures together. Yes, I am deeply in love with her and fallen head over heels for her. This means that someday I want to marry her, and have kids with her. When this day is, remains to be seen, but it seems to be decently close.

We were talking about everything, and we do want to get married, and definitely within the next year.

And we were talking about getting pregnant. To be honest, I have mixed feelings. I guess I just feel anxious and nervous about it altogether. I really do want one. And the only reasons to now have one right now are as follows (Because I like making lists DAMNIT)

>> It will change my life drastically. Not bad, just different.
>> It will cut out some of my life and add others. Gaming will be restricted, of course. But I would have a new life with Michelle. I can live with taht.
>> IF we had one right now, my parents, along with Michelle's would FREAK OUT
>> We don't have an apartment yet, but we're working on it. And we have enough time, even if we were pregnant as of 2 weeks ago. That's 8.5 months.
>> Financial issues, but we'll manage. Besides, we have tons of family and friends who would help in a heartbeat.

And as said in Michelle' LJ, we did have sex without a condom. We did this because we wanted to, and because both of us want a child. Not badly enough to do this over and over to attempt to receive one. But enough to the point where we don't mind it without protection.

Granted, I had an anxiety attack (Of sorts) about having a kid. Once I thought it out, it isn't so bad. It's just I guess it's alot of work. And alot of trouble. But the result is magnificent, and if I am with Michelle, I know we can pull it off. :)

I'll update later in the day when I have more time, but for right now this is the only news.

Edited below this point, because I have no time on my hands. =(

Let's see here...

Went up to my grandparents. Raked leaves for about 7 hours... My arms had hurt. But I went to Michelle's so it made it all better.

Went to Michelle's, and did really nothing. We went out to Applebee's which was a BAAAAAAAAAAD idea. The fish was great, til it actually hit me.

I had indigestion and heartburn like you wouldn't imagine.

And then sick stomach, and along with that came dry heaves. NOT FUN.

I called into work. Glad I did, because I eventually got better. And then Michelle and I spent the most of the day with each other. Ending in what I revealed earlier. About no protection and whatnot. :P

Afterwards, went home which I didn't want to do. And just watched TV for the rest of the night. I wish I could have gone back

Got a chance, or a flip of zee coin

2007-03-22T22:41:21Z

The reason for the title, is the topic (Or at least the main one) I'm going to write about today is not a definite thing. I don't know about if it's 100% going to happen, but Michelle and I have been thinking (And worrying) about it.

As you know (And if you don't, you don't know me.) me and Michelle are dating. Well, more than that (I believe way past that, but others thing we are going too fast. To you, I have two letters. F. U.) in my opinion. And we're moving in together. We've talked about the future, and we don't see any time whatsoever we'd break up. So that's the future for us, we're just getting to it.

Now granted, the secondary issue I will talk here is NOT as important. That issue, is just that I am not a virgin. Haven't been for about a month, maybe a month and a half. I am bad with time... I know Michelle knows, because she is really good with it. Which is another reason I love her as much as I do. :) We're just meant for each other in my opinion.

Well anyways, with that out of the way, onto the next issue (Which I assume most of you are anticipating by now with the last thing I left off with) which is due to no one's real mistake. It could not be seen as a mistake anyways, even if it does come true. Just a change of plans.

Anyways, well a contraceptive did not work as planned. I, myself, was nervous about it. Michelle was not. And enough beating around the bush, Michelle might be pregnant.

We won't know for another 2-3 weeks at least.

But I just want to write about this because I feel I need to get it off my chest. Along with my and Michelle's opinions on it. She might post her own on this matter later on.

Anyways, I personally don't feel ready for a kid. For many, many reasons.

1. I feel that if I had a kid I could fail in someway (Alot of ways really) because I have held myself back most of my life. Michelle brought this to light (It was the post about us wanting to marry) and I still fear the result if I fail as well, a father or a husband. Michelle is trying to reassure me this isn't and can't be the case in the future.

2. Because we're just not ready financially or in our lives to have a kid. And I am afraid of this because I don't want to bring a kid into the world and not be ready for it. My parents did that, and they were put through alot of it.

Those are the only two reasons really I can think of.

Michelle is actually good either way. She could easily ready a kid into our lives. Multiple reasons why too. Some I won't discuss because they are deeply personal.

One reason is, is because she thinks this:

"If I get pregnant, and you stay, it's undeniable proof you're mine(Me, Zack) for life"

The other would be the fact that I love the idea of a child being a part of me and a part of Michelle whom I love.

And there are other reasons but as I said, I won't discuss them.

So right as it stands, we are "We don't know if we are pregnant or not"

I am ready for it, mentally I guess. And I am ready to take the responsibility.

Anyone out there! S.O.S. on learnin'!

2007-03-22T20:21:18Z

Anyways, I am thinking about getting more into CSS/HTML/Java and by doing so I want to use more of it on Livejournal. LJ (Unlike MySpace) let you use a LARGE amount of CSS and HTML with it's site. I want to change to the type known as "S1" instead of as most people have "S2" and play around with it.

So granted, it will look FUGLY for quite some time.

I was just posting really, trying to find out if anyone knows any REALLY good sites to learn this sort of thing. I've had past experiences with it before, but unfortunately, I forget a large amount of it at the time being.

I used to play around with HTML and CSS on a normal basis, with drops and hints of Java here or there. Just wondering if anyone does the same and can refer me to a site that teaches/coaches/shows how to use these, what they do and how to implement it into a website (I.E. LiveJournal)

Also, how do you do LJ cuts again?

jewbat @ 2007-03-21T22:16:00

2007-03-22T03:16:46Z

Your Dosha is Vata

Creative and restless, you take in all of life's pleasures (maybe a little too much!).
You're quick witted and very talkative, but you also tend to have a spotty memory.
You tend to get very into ideas, people, and lifestyles... but only for a short time.
It's difficult to hold your attention, and you sometimes feel with what life has to offer.

With friends: You are very uncomfortable in new situations or with new people

In love: You fall in and out of love very easily

To achieve more balance: Live in a warm climate and spend some quiet time in nature

What's Your Dosha?

It is right except about love. It's hard for me to just "fall" out of love. Horribly hard.

Quizness. Will add onto as bored

2007-03-19T20:43:23Z

Your True Love's Name Is

Michelle D.

What's Your True Love's Name?

Your Kissing Purity Score: 57% Pure

For you, kissing isn't a casual thing

Lip to lip action makes your heart sing

Kissing Purity Test

Your Brain is 60% Female, 40% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female
You are both sensitive and savvy
Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed
But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

Yay?

You Are A Realistic Romantic

It's easy for you to get swept away by romance...
But you've done a pretty good job keeping perspective.
You're still taken in by love poems and sunsets
You just don't fall for every dreamy pick up line!

Are You Romantic or Realistic?

I think that's good.

Your Boobies' Names Are...

Dixie and Daisy

Boobie Name Generator

Okie then...

Your Body Image is 28% Unhealthy, 72% Healthy

You're body image is quite healthy, though you're sometimes a little bit too hard on yourself.
Chances are you've got a rockin' body - so enjoy it!

How's Your Body Image?

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight

You Are 16% Addicted to Myspace

Your Myspace addiction factor is: Very Low

When it comes to Myspace, you don't know what the big deal is. Frankly, you think it's over hyped.

Are You Addicted to Myspace?

MySpace = Shit

Haha. Rib crackin' fun

2007-03-19T19:23:13Z

High-Lare-Ee-Us

Yay. Quiz-i. >.> That IS the plural of Quiz, right?

2007-03-15T00:00:02Z

You Are Very Skeptical

Your personal motto is: "Prove it."
While some ideas, like life after death, may seem nice...
You aren't going to believe them simply because it feels good.
You let science and facts be your guide... Even if it means you don't share the beliefs of those around you.

How Skeptical Are You?

You Are 49% Burned Out

You're fairly burned out, and it shows.
You probably have been feeling a little rundown and irritable lately.
If you can, drop a few of your minor responsibilities and focus on what's really important.
You have too much on your plate, and it's catching up with you.

Are You Burned Out?

You Mostly Fight Fair

When you fight, you tend to remember your end goal of resolving conflict.
However, you can get a little too wrapped up in your own feelings.
Remember that there are two sides to every argument.
And even if you think you're totally right, you should take more time to hear your partner out.

Do You Fight Fair?

Cracked Up

2007-03-13T20:13:11Z

I am crazy for this game. Just to let ya know.

Also, I really want to just migrate to one site. Y'know, not use 3-4 sites at one time. Right now I am using MySpace (Rarely, but it's growing on me. Like a fungus....), Livejournal, and Facebook. Facebook seems to be the best, not as customizable, but neither is Myspace. Because it's all that shitty proprietary CSS code. I absolutely hate that. It's a pain my ass.

I still need to shave. I want my beard thingie to stay, but everything else needs to vacate my face. =P And to add on I am not trying to grow a mustache, but man it's persistent. =P

Reading over Hitchhiker's Guide once again. Trying to finish all the books this time. After all it's not really MY book. It's my wonderful girlfriend's book, and I need to return it ... sometime. =P

As of late, my days have been spent with work, reading, talking to Michelle, spending SOME time with her (She came up for one night to spend the night because she was coming back from St. Louis) and Crackdown. =P

So that's just one random update. Not much to say really. I like my new Supervisor, my favorite so far. He's someone that you feel like you can just talk to naturally, instead of being in fear and whatnot of saying something wrong like most bosses. It's cool.

And albeit my job may be a bit aggravating and boring, it pays the bills. And it's not too hard, just mostly patience with stupid people. Which is a talent, believe me.

Anyways, back to work Batman!

jewbat @ 2007-03-07T15:02:00

2007-03-07T21:02:30Z

What Your Bathroom Habits Say About You

You are very independent and self-centered. You don't solve other people's problems - and you don't expect them to solve yours.

Your idea of fashion is jeans and a t-shirt. Clean, if you're lucky.

You have the perfect blend of confidence and class. You're proud of who you are - but you don't broadcast it.

In relationships, you tend to take care of your needs first. You can only be with someone who's as independent as you are.

What Do Your Bathroom Habits Say About You?

*shrugs*

Hell if I know.

Assassinated.

2007-03-07T19:24:05Z

Read the article at Marvel.com

Also try CNN.com

It sucks. =(

Also a quote from FOX News.

"The decision has already angered the character's creator, Joe Simon, who told the New York Daily News that the death comes at a time when "we really need him now.""

Testing

2007-03-05T23:53:13Z

This is a post from my phone. Awesome, right?

Love meh!

2007-03-05T21:43:26Z

Yay, another entry. And so soon too! =P

Anywho, just typing up what Michelle and I talked about last night because it was (At first)a sad conversation, ending in me hanging up. A bit of texting. Michelle calling me back, a bit of crying, and finally some resolutions in the end that made it all worthwhile.

I asked her that if it was only her choice, if we got married, that she saw her marrying me 100%. She said yes. And I did like that answer. She asked me the same question, and I (Like an asshole) said I could see it as a possibility.

Which is (Of course) not a definite thing, and only a "What if" deal really. She said something along the lines of "It seems as if you are trying to make yourself a safety net, making sure to cover your butt with me in case something goes wrong. And you can't always do that in life. You just gotta commit."

And the words "commit, life, and safety net" got me thinking on the rest of my life. And when I looked back on it, it astonished me. She was dead on the nail. It was amazing. I had never seen this. My entire life has been me, covering my ass, making it safe, and making sure that I have a safety net. Whether it be for me, for my parents, for my grades, or anything. I never did well in classes because I always told myself that I was doing my best, when I knew I could do more, but I was afraid that if I did do my best and fail, what would that mean? That I am an idiot?

When I looked back on my life, it's event after event of this happening. It's pathetically insane. Every portion of my life is me covering my butt really so that nothing can hit me and screw myself over.

But Michelle was right. I cannot hide behind facades, and lies, and made up excuses. Even if my own psyche is making them up to cushion myself from my own failures.

And this is similar to the same thing that basically got me thinking about dating Michelle.

(This is what happened prior to me dating/going up to Michelle's about 5 months ago.)

Michelle was talking to me via MSN, and crying because she was asking why no one could love her and be with her. And it got me thinking why couldn't I? I never really thought about why I never saw her as someone I could be with, but this got me thinking. And I stayed up that night, for quite a while thinking about this and pondering. And this in turn got me to think about the trip up to Michelle's not as "Just a trip to a friend" but a "Trip to a friend and a possible girlfriend"

And that's basically how it all happened.

This time around, ti got me thinking what is so bad saying that I would love to spend the rest of my life with Michelle? Basically saying that sometime get married? And there wasn't anything. I've never loved anyone more than her, and when I am talking to her it makes me smile and light up.

So I basically said to Michelle all of this, saying that she is right, and I was sorry I could never say it. Then I said it, that I would love to spend the rest of my life with her, and after everything had gotten through (College and whatnot) get married.

What made her really happy though I believe was in middle of our conversation she asked me what I was thinking about and I said that I was thinking about saying the words "Marry me." Of course, Michelle, in all her persistent grandeur of always saying "No" to stuff that "can't possibly be true" say that I was lying. Or in less words really. I told her I swore on my life that I thought that. I loved her response from that comment.

And that was the extent of most of our conversation. Through all the tears and sadness, it was well worth it in my opinion.

Yay. Update @ work.

2007-03-04T22:36:44Z

So I'm on my lunch and somewhat bored because I have no money til this next Thursday. I get paid on Thursdays. So I guess I can spend the majority of my lunch writing here, because it's not a big deal or anything. As long as I am wasting MY time, it's good stuff.

Spent the night at my friend's the last few nights, and I felt bad beacuse Michelle called and wanetd to talk, but we couldn't because I was over Phil's place for the night. I promised I'd call her tonight and talk for as long as she wanted. Especially since neither of us work until after noon. Not like we'd talk til 4 or more in the morning though ..... right? =P

Finally got a permament desk at work, or at least as permanent as it's going to get for the time being, so it's pretty cool. Had some really, really weird calls today, but nothing I couldn't handle. Minus one, but we got her going after about a freakin' hour.

I'm still anxious as hell to move out and in with Michelle. My parents still try to instill doubts within me about it, but I just ignore them. It feels too right to be so wrong. And it's not the kind of right that feels TOO right either. Because I know they'll be problems. And we'll overcome them as a couple. I am ready and prepared for that alltogether.

And I think I'm becoming friends with my new supervisor, but only time wil tell.

Quiz ish ness

2007-02-23T15:25:34Z

You Are 8% Homophobic

You're open minded, tolerant, and accepting.
And you're not homophobic in the least :-)

Are You Homophobic?

The reason I have 8% on there is because I am a wee bit afraid that that they will hit on me. About it.