What I wouldn't give to have that time at the beach. I was 12, and there was a hurricane out over the coast. The waves were huge. They were washing over me. And it felt as if my mind was in fast forward. This was before I knew anyone reading this. Before I knew Michelle. Before I knew I had a kid. Before I was who I am today. This was me. The real me. Before I became who I am today.

Sometimes I think I've changed too much. Sometimes I think too little.

I wonder if anyone at work really likes me. I think that most of them would rather be rid of me. I think that it'd be better that I'd be my old self. Introverted. Shy. Not talking.

I worry that I am still an asshole in person. That I belittle people. That I make them feel small. That I overshadow alot of others. I don't mean to. It's just that when I get to talking and my adrenaline is pumping, that I keep going. I don't shut up. I wish I did. I wish I could just tell myself to shut the fuck up.

And what's funny is that is the least of my problems.

I'm going to stop now because in the midst of typing alot of this I forgot alot of the other stuff. I wish I had a journal that could type as fast as I think...

They're using a different actor for Punisher 2. Fuck! Just found out...

I don't really have one, I want to put plenty of information in this post. Some ranting, some stupidity, some game-related, others miscellaneous or somesuch.

First off, I hate my tendency to over-think situations. I do it all the time and I wish I could stop. I just got off the phone with Michelle, and it was ... not entirely pleasant. Not for her, just for my inability to do anything and then she asks to have some alone time. This is where this subject kicks in. I can't help but thinking a million things on why she asked for that. I'm happy to give it to her (Not so happy, but that's because of what I am thinking), but I keep asking questions that won't ever have answers until I talk to her again I am saying several things, asking if it is just a normal case of being upset and she just needs some time alone to think. What if it's her trying to think whether we're good for one another? No, that couldn't be it, we've been through so much! She wouldn't break up out of the blue, right? But what if she thinks it is best for both of us? For her? For me? What if she is thinking of pushing our wedding back? How far? Maybe canceling it? But she loves it, why would she cancel it?

... As you can see, I talk to myself. Call me crazy, I don't care. But I beat myself up trying to decipher things that I won't ever be able to. And I can't come out and ask her either, because of the kind of person she is. And one of the many reasons I love her, so I wouldn't ever change it. I just wish I could change myself so that I could pick up on tiny things that she gives out and shows to me to clue me in. But I never pick up on them, and I hate that. I hate a lot of things for that matter, but it doesn't help to hate it at all.

I just need to accept the fact that we're two different people and what works for me does not work for her. For me, if something is happening that I hate but I can't change, I push it to the back of my mind so that it doesn't kill me. For her, she can't do that, and it murders me that I can't affect that or change it for her to feel better. And the only time I can it seems is when I am right there, next to her so I can offer support and help her when I can the best.

- What's worse is I use games to escape the inevitable fact that I can't change it, nor can I for quite some time. Which I fear makes her even more upset. Problem is, I don't show my worries or emotions in that department on my sleeve like she does. I know when something is wrong with her, I just can't know what it is right off the bat, although I wish I could. And what is horrible is the games don't even hide it for any period of time. It's only during the time I am actually playing the game(s), that I can actually forget what upsets me. Otherwise I immediately remember it and I become upset or angry at the situation once more. It's just that I've grown to shove worries and upsetting matters to the back of my mind so that they don't upset me. In retrospect, it's a bad idea because it hides the problem, it doesn't fix it.

*sigh* After all, I don't think I'll be posting about anything else. I just want to understand what I've talked about and resolve my issues...

Well nothing really obvious to update.

Still apart from Michelle, which sucks. Just wish we could be together instead of all this apart crap. It bugs me and upsets me constantly. It hits me more sometimes more than others. And other times I don't notice it, but those times are rare...

Been addicted to Team Fortress 2 like everyone else is to water. It's an amazing game overall, and I fell for it immediately, although I had my doubts. They altered ALOT of stuff from TFC, and it pissed me off when I heard about it. Like taking out the class grenades. I always thought "What the FUCK were they thinking?," but after playing the game they gave everyone abilities or other things to compensate.

If you want to read up on it: tf2wiki.net is the place to go. Good stuff there. ^_^

Outside of that, just applying to jobs in O'Fallon and the surrounding areas as per a website that Michelle's mom gave me. They all seem outta reach though, which scares me. The reasoning is simple, but not is the solution. But I'll keep on trying. I'm determined come hell or high water, I'm going to be with her as soon as possible. If that's 6 months from now, so be it, if it's tomorrow, all the better...

And that's the hard truth. I haven't posted here in months. Sometimes I'd start and stop for numerous reasons and never post it.

Me, being all logical and whatnot, I'll list them off in a ... list. And excuse me if I repeat things that everyone already knew...

( Emo-Ranty stuff. Not emo damnit! )

1) What does next year have in store for me? M-80 Explosive Energy Movement) : Papa Roach

2) What does your love life look like? No Sleep Til Brooklyn : Beastie Boys

3)What do I say when life gets hard? Never Said It : Papa Roach

4)What song will I dance to at the next wedding I attend? Because Of You: Kelly Clarkson

5) What do you want as a career? Black Clouds : Papa Roach

6) Your favorite saying? Some Will Seek Forgiveness: Underoath

7) What do you think of your parents? Sometimes : Papa Roach

8) Where would you go on a first date? Immortal Enemies : Hatebreed

9) Drug of choice? The Interview : AFI

10) Describe yourself. Diggin' Your Scene : Smash Mouth

11) What is the thing I like doing most? Lost In Aurora : The Appearance

12) The song that best describes the president? Desperate Times : Killswitch Engage

13) How will I die? Black Bullet : Kidney Thieves

14) The song that will be played at your funeral? Destroy What You Enjoy: Powerman 5000

15) The song you'll put as the subject? Don't Panic : Coldplay


Most likely I'll edit this later on with an actual entry.

This is more of a rant than a crying fest now. For multiple reasons. I was going to come on and be depressed for a majority of the night, but then I started to play Fear Factory and it made me, well not happy, but not sad either.

Anyways, I noticed today that throughout my life (Excluding the internet friend's I've made) that I am always considered a associate or sorts by so many people, and not a friend in the respect that everyone around me goes to parties, plays games together, and all sorts of things. Even doing drugs.

I just keep noticing that I've never once been invited to any of these things. Not once. And when I do go (Which is horribly rare, to say the least) I am always pushing my way into such things. I never get invited to anything.

It's like I have an aura of "Fuck with me and die" or something. No one wants to be my friend it seems. I am just stating this now, and not really bitching. At the moment, angry music plays. So it takes my mind off of shit like this.

A great example of this is yesterday, in Tier 2, we were all around, talking about stuff and somehow we got onto the topic of drugs. They asked me point blank, had I ever taken any and what did I take. I was honest and said I had never taken any drugs, not even weed.

I said that in reality, I probably would try at least pot, not sure, but I had never, ever had the chance in my entire life. I was never offered any, never had the chance to buy some, or anything of the sort.

They said this was about one of the most strangest and amazing things they had ever seen. Gabe looked at Glenn (An asshole) as if to say "Give him some or offer" and of course, Glenn, being the fucktard he is, gave a look and said something like "Don't look at me."

It's that shit I've come across my entire life. It's ridiculous. It's like I have a sign across my face that says "I don't play well with others."

And it's upsetting. I just wish once, someone, somewhere would just say "Hey, wanna come over and watch a movie/play games/etc?"

Sometimes I hate being me.

Well, it's been quite a while since I got on to either rant, or depress myself further. About damn time for me to do both, aye?

*sigh*

Right now, I feel like such a shitbag and horrible fiancee. In so many aspects.

It's going to take a while for me to recap everything and why I feel this way, so I'll LJ-Cut from here on out.

( Read more... )

Okay, so this has been awhile since I posted one of my infamous rants. I remember when I used to do this every other day almost. In general, I'm just really pissed right now and every little thing ticks me off.

First of all, today was "Right Now" day. Which means we were using a new ticketing system at work.

I don't know about you, but why the fuck would you want to fix something when it's not broke in the first place? Yeah, that was what I was thinking.

Our old ticketing system is perfectly fine. It has it's ups and downs, but overall, it's quite well and works perfectly for what it should do.

No, these IDIOTS at corporate say we gotta use this new version that is "stream-lined." Bullshit

It's laggy for one. Glitches run rampant. It's not that great for the customers either.

The response tab (The one that gives a response to the customer) lags. I.E. When you type, the computer has to catch up.

Plus a million other reasons why the thing is one of the most horrible programs I've ever laid eyes on. And this is including STEAM. If any of you know what that is, you know how HORRIBLE this program is then.

///


Then come to find out, I got passed up for Tier 2 promotion AGAIN.

Get this, the reason? Yeah, it's because Cremin (The Tier 2 Supervisor) wasn't impressed by my interview.

Oh, I'm so sorry you bastard. I didn't know how to answer retarded questions.

He asked a ton of questions, and some of them made no sense.

One was "How many of your tickets are voice lights?" which makes no sense. I believe he WANTED to ask "How many of your tickets end in voice lights?" which is to say how many tickets do I solve? That makes more sense than the first one.

One of his other questions I answered to the best of my ability as well. It was "What do you think is your greatest weakness?"

Now, seeing as Tier 1is graded on their AHT (Average Handle Time) I assumed it was the following weakness. Now my AHT is 8 minutes flat, and it is required to be 14. So I am easily beating that and I am one of the best agents on the floor.

My weakness, or so I thought, was "Sometimes I explain things in too much description and eat up time on some of my calls, thus increasing my AHT when it doesn't need to be."

He looked at me like I was blue, and asked "THAT'S your weakness?"

His reply took me off guard, not expecting this I stuttered for a few seconds, wondering what he really wanted me to answer with and I muttered out the reply "I assume another weakness is that I talk too fast at times."

I'm going to talk to him tomorrow to explain why I didn't do so hot on the interview but I have to do it carefully. I can't really go up to him and say something similar to "Oh, I didn't do so well on your interview because you're a FUCKING IDIOT."

Which would be true, but nonetheless. Corporate world is a kiss-my-ass-and-I-will-promote-you world. Sucks, but it is the truth.


////

Adding on to the already large rant I've got going here I am really fed up with life in general. All I want to do is to be able to be with Michelle, but it almost seems like every little thing wants the opposite and it's really pissing me off. I just wish I could beat the shit out of any obstacle between me and that goal. I know this isn't possible but I wish it were, I'd easily beat enough to make my knuckles crack and bleed. That's how pissed I am at life.

-Apartments are a pain and are pricey, so that's one major annoyance there.
-I've still got to tell my parents that I'm fucking engaged, and I know that when I do neither of them will be as supportive as I want them to be. They will be eventually, but they will bring up such topics as "You're not mature enough," or "You're too young." I really don't want to hear that shit.
-Michelle's dad also hates me. Well he doesn't really but he doesn't like me much for multiple reasons. And her mom has been somewhat cold to me. I wanted to talk to her via email and nothing really happened other than a few questions and blam it was over.
-I am getting increasingly pissed off at SunRocket, but I can't do anything to harm my job because that's the only promising thing that would get me and Michelle through to our new home somewhere in Springfield. Argh.
-I've got a ticket that I forgot about and I am sure that I can't make it to court. I need someone to tell me what to do here. I've no clue. Can I still pay? If so, how do I contact a specific county's police station without their number because the genius cop forgot to give it to me.
-My car is crapping out on me and I've no where the money to get it replaced. So I just hope I can swing a tune up this weekend and hope on the same issue that it will last till then because I've no time to get it fixed in the mean time.

And finally, just there are a million things in my head and I've never been good at multitasking, and I'm just freaking out. I'm worried about a million things and sick and fucking tired of being away from the woman I love. I know life is never fair, but this is bullshit. This is one thing that life should be fair and I'd love to take my fist to life's face to repay it's generosity.

Well not a whole lot of information to leak out to you guys. Though I do have one piece of really big news. I will tell you guys at the end of this post.

Well the first piece of information is that as everyone (Mostly) knows, I work at SunRocket. And I do tech support here. Not a horrible job. And I get paid decently. So I can't complain.

Anyways, around 3 or 4 in the afternoon yesterday the servers that basically upkeep the phone calls that are in America for SunRocket went down. We had EASILY 60 calls in queue. I had answered at least 150 calls in under 4 hours. My buddy Josh did the same. It was insane. Only good thing that came out of it is we all got free Pizza. And good pizza at that. I was pretty tired by the end of the night.

Also, because my AHT (Average Handle Time) is so low now, I am eligible for winning $50 basically because I below 10 minutes. My AHT right now is around 8.5. Which is really good. I am beating Josh by today, but for the week he has beaten me. Not sure how he got to 7.5, but it's insane. He went from 9 minutes to 7 and a half.

And while I am at it, I will rant about idiots who cannot speak any English. I cannot fathom coming to another country, and not trying my best to learn their language. The only people that attempt to learn our language time and time again, or are very apologetic about it if they cannot speak it, are the Japanese. They are the most polite, humble people I have ever met and I love talking to them or working with them.

Granted, the younger ones are a MAJOR exception, because they fall into two categories:
Females - Sluts
Guys - Race too much, and act black.

Okay, so here is the part I am adding on. I had to move to a different computer. For the ump teenth millionth time. It really gets annoying. IT is trying to fix MY computer.

*sigh*

( BigNess News =) )

Well, quite alot to talk about really. Most of what I will write about will be side-by-side with what had been written in about in kitty_pryde86's journal. So check it out if you want to. :)

Well first thing is first, the most important. And not to overwhelm you. Because it sure as hell feels like it is with me. Only because alot of big things are flying around in my life right now, mostly revolving around my relationship with Michelle.

As (If you've read her LJ) Michelle and I have been talking for quite a while about our futures together. Yes, I am deeply in love with her and fallen head over heels for her. This means that someday I want to marry her, and have kids with her. When this day is, remains to be seen, but it seems to be decently close.

We were talking about everything, and we do want to get married, and definitely within the next year.

And we were talking about getting pregnant. To be honest, I have mixed feelings. I guess I just feel anxious and nervous about it altogether. I really do want one. And the only reasons to now have one right now are as follows (Because I like making lists DAMNIT)

>> It will change my life drastically. Not bad, just different.
>> It will cut out some of my life and add others. Gaming will be restricted, of course. But I would have a new life with Michelle. I can live with taht.
>> IF we had one right now, my parents, along with Michelle's would FREAK OUT
>> We don't have an apartment yet, but we're working on it. And we have enough time, even if we were pregnant as of 2 weeks ago. That's 8.5 months.
>> Financial issues, but we'll manage. Besides, we have tons of family and friends who would help in a heartbeat.

And as said in Michelle' LJ, we did have sex without a condom. We did this because we wanted to, and because both of us want a child. Not badly enough to do this over and over to attempt to receive one. But enough to the point where we don't mind it without protection.

Granted, I had an anxiety attack (Of sorts) about having a kid. Once I thought it out, it isn't so bad. It's just I guess it's alot of work. And alot of trouble. But the result is magnificent, and if I am with Michelle, I know we can pull it off. :)

I'll update later in the day when I have more time, but for right now this is the only news.


( Read, as it is useless! =P )

Anyways, I am thinking about getting more into CSS/HTML/Java and by doing so I want to use more of it on Livejournal. LJ (Unlike MySpace) let you use a LARGE amount of CSS and HTML with it's site. I want to change to the type known as "S1" instead of as most people have "S2" and play around with it.

So granted, it will look FUGLY for quite some time.

I was just posting really, trying to find out if anyone knows any REALLY good sites to learn this sort of thing. I've had past experiences with it before, but unfortunately, I forget a large amount of it at the time being.

I used to play around with HTML and CSS on a normal basis, with drops and hints of Java here or there. Just wondering if anyone does the same and can refer me to a site that teaches/coaches/shows how to use these, what they do and how to implement it into a website (I.E. LiveJournal)

Also, how do you do LJ cuts again?

Your Dosha is Vata

Creative and restless, you take in all of life's pleasures (maybe a little too much!). You're quick witted and very talkative, but you also tend to have a spotty memory. You tend to get very into ideas, people, and lifestyles... but only for a short time. It's difficult to hold your attention, and you sometimes feel with what life has to offer. With friends: You are very uncomfortable in new situations or with new people In love: You fall in and out of love very easily To achieve more balance: Live in a warm climate and spend some quiet time in nature

It is right except about love. It's hard for me to just "fall" out of love. Horribly hard.

Your True Love's Name Is

Michelle D.

Your Kissing Purity Score: 57% Pure

For you, kissing isn't a casual thing Lip to lip action makes your heart sing

Your Brain is 60% Female, 40% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

Yay?

You Are A Realistic Romantic

It's easy for you to get swept away by romance... But you've done a pretty good job keeping perspective. You're still taken in by love poems and sunsets You just don't fall for every dreamy pick up line!

I think that's good.

Your Boobies' Names Are...

Dixie and Daisy

Okie then...

Your Body Image is 28% Unhealthy, 72% Healthy

You're body image is quite healthy, though you're sometimes a little bit too hard on yourself. Chances are you've got a rockin' body - so enjoy it!

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight

You Are 16% Addicted to Myspace

Your Myspace addiction factor is: Very Low When it comes to Myspace, you don't know what the big deal is. Frankly, you think it's over hyped.

MySpace = Shit

High-Lare-Ee-Us

I am crazy for this game. Just to let ya know.

Also, I really want to just migrate to one site. Y'know, not use 3-4 sites at one time. Right now I am using MySpace (Rarely, but it's growing on me. Like a fungus....), Livejournal, and Facebook. Facebook seems to be the best, not as customizable, but neither is Myspace. Because it's all that shitty proprietary CSS code. I absolutely hate that. It's a pain my ass.

I still need to shave. I want my beard thingie to stay, but everything else needs to vacate my face. =P And to add on I am not trying to grow a mustache, but man it's persistent. =P

Reading over Hitchhiker's Guide once again. Trying to finish all the books this time. After all it's not really MY book. It's my wonderful girlfriend's book, and I need to return it ... sometime. =P

As of late, my days have been spent with work, reading, talking to Michelle, spending SOME time with her (She came up for one night to spend the night because she was coming back from St. Louis) and Crackdown. =P

So that's just one random update. Not much to say really. I like my new Supervisor, my favorite so far. He's someone that you feel like you can just talk to naturally, instead of being in fear and whatnot of saying something wrong like most bosses. It's cool.

And albeit my job may be a bit aggravating and boring, it pays the bills. And it's not too hard, just mostly patience with stupid people. Which is a talent, believe me.

Anyways, back to work Batman!

What Your Bathroom Habits Say About You

You are very independent and self-centered. You don't solve other people's problems - and you don't expect them to solve yours. Your idea of fashion is jeans and a t-shirt. Clean, if you're lucky. You have the perfect blend of confidence and class. You're proud of who you are - but you don't broadcast it. In relationships, you tend to take care of your needs first. You can only be with someone who's as independent as you are.

*shrugs*

Hell if I know.

Read the article at Marvel.com

Also try CNN.com

It sucks. =(

Also a quote from FOX News.

"The decision has already angered the character's creator, Joe Simon, who told the New York Daily News that the death comes at a time when "we really need him now.""